Losing Battle.

Recently I've been despondent.
Less than despondent downright depressed.
Sitting in my flat with the canaries is usually a happy pass time for me I do my best thinking at home sat around writing, listening to the radio and reading. But just recently life hasn't measured up.
The reason why came to me as I was drifting of on Thursday evening.
Thinking about death and life...in that order.
I've spent a lot of time wondering who will remember me when I'm gone. Have I really touched anybodys life made a difference by existing.
I wont leave my mark on society and I sure as hell won't be remembered for my good deeds (which extend to cleaning my mother's house as she broke her leg).
I became unsettled by the idea that I wasn't achieving anything. I wasn't changing society, my own or anybody else's life.
You know you need to hit the vodka or the road when you don't even make a difference to your own life.
A lot of the time when I get in one of my moods, I don't try and get out of them.
But this time I talked myself down.
I told my self that I am making a difference if not in my carbon foot print then at least to the people I talk to everyday.
It may not be a lasting impression but at that moment for those few seconds , I'm changing that person's life.
I decided to talk to my mum. Not about feeling down (don't get me wrong I'm not a nutcase).
Before I conclude this post I will point something out.
My mum has been stoned for as long as I can remember. She's a lovely woman but she has her own little ways and habits. When I was little she was the super mum of the year. Coveted and admired in equal measure. A few years later and a few months apart and our relationship had suffered. We talk to each other in a transactional and solemn manner.
And this is what I changed.
For one hour I sat and talked to the woman who was my best friend and my worst enemy and for the first time in at least a year I made my mum laugh.
It didn't solve everything, nowhere near.
I'm not about to tell you that when I left her house it was to walk into a street filled with butterflies, rainbow and mirrors that made me look skinny and pretty.
But it helped. I changed not only something in someone else's life but something in my own.
My new resolution : start winning the little victories and forget about the life and death issue, for now.
And?
I realised I win battles everyday.
Today's battle? Writing about my mother on my blog.
And not feeling an sense of remorseful guilt.